I lately utilized for commencement from faculty, for the third time. This post-master’s diploma in particular training comes only one yr after I graduated with my grasp’s in English training. Feeling proud, I made a decision to put up one thing on Fb. An hour later, my feed was flooded with congratulations and feedback about how a lot I encourage everybody round me. One buddy known as me “the toughest working individual” they know.
For the previous 28 years of my life, I’ve by no means slowed down. Even within the midst of a world pandemic, I labored full-time instructing from residence, waitressed at a neighborhood bar, printed my first e book, and graduated with my grasp’s, then re-enrolled for an additional diploma.
Persons are all the time complimenting me on how bold I’m, how a lot of a “go-getter” I’ve turn into. They inform me they appear as much as me, and that as a result of I by no means let something stand in my manner, they’ve determined to chase their very own desires. However what they do not know is that the rationale I’m the best way I’m is as a result of I have high-functioning anxiety.
I used to be first identified with generalized anxiety disorder after I was 14 years outdated. My dad was extremely ailing on the time and my mother thought it could be good for me to talk to a therapist and get all my feelings out. However, all through my life, I knew I used to be totally different from my pals and that my reactions to issues have been by no means “regular.” At the same time as a child, I overanalyzed and overthought conditions, I by no means felt snug with uncertainty, and after I was feeling extraordinarily down or low, I might disassociate. My therapist defined that the signs I used to be exhibiting sounded lots like generalized nervousness dysfunction, and we started speak remedy to work by way of my triggers.
As I received older, my nervousness manifested in loads of alternative ways — however one of the apparent was by way of my schedule. On the surface, I am the lady who can maintain down a full-time job and a part-time job, whereas attending faculty, pursuing my passions, and balancing two canines, a boyfriend, a social life, and a relationship with my household. On the within, I do not wish to cease as a result of if I cease, I feel, and if I feel, I really feel.
Folks with high-functioning nervousness have a lot of positive attributes. I am pushed and punctual. I am proactive and dependable. I by no means miss a deadline, my life is extremely organized, and I am all the time serving to everybody round me. However these outward attributes conceal what is going on on inside. Not like many bodily sicknesses, psychological well being issues are hidden beneath the floor. Nobody can take a look at me and see that I am sick, particularly when the negative effects of my dysfunction are so “optimistic.”
I by no means cease as a result of if I cease, I drown in my very own ideas and fears.
But, beneath the floor, all these optimistic traits are a results of my nervousness. I am useful and dependable as a result of I am a people-pleaser who’s petrified of disappointing these round me. I by no means say “no,” so my schedule is all the time jam-packed. I by no means cease as a result of if I cease, I drown in my very own ideas and fears. I am incapable of basking in life’s little moments as a result of I don’t know the best way to chill out or “take it straightforward.”
Due to this, I’ve a love-hate relationship with my dysfunction. A part of me loves the place I’m and the way far I’ve come. I do know that the rationale I’ve made it thus far in my life is due to my high-functioning nervousness. I do know that this nonstop mentality has allowed me to have a 3rd diploma, my two careers, my financial savings account. Then again, I hate my nervousness. I hate that I can not cease and luxuriate in myself, that “me time” and “self-care” aren’t even in my vocabulary.
So, whereas everybody sees me as that “excellent” one that has all of it, on the within, it is a lot tougher than that.